Boundless Abilities: Autism and More

Boundless Abilities Ep. 49: Surviving the Holidays with Stress & Grief

• Boundless • Season 4 • Episode 49

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As the holiday season approaches, we often hear "it's the most wonderful time of the year", but for some, the added stressors or loss of a loved one make it an extremely difficult time. Join Nathanael Bloss, Licensed Professional Counselor and Mental Health Program Coordinator at Boundless and Darcel Theiss, volunteer GriefShare leader, with our host, Scott Light, and get practical tips on how to make it through the holidays when you are hurting. You are not alone! There are many places and resources where you can get help if you need it.   

Scott Light:

Well, hello, everyone. So right out of the gate, I want to ask our two guests today a little rapid fire here. Give us a holiday tradition that you love, but also stresses you out at the same time. Darcel, will you go first?

Darcel Theiss:

I love holiday decorations, but I do not like getting them out of storage, putting them up and the time it takes in my day.

Scott Light:

Okay, Nate, how about it for you?

Nathanael Bloss:

I gotta go with Cooking. Cooking is a very stressful moment for me, but I enjoy the the end product of it.

Scott Light:

Got it. I'm gonna second you. I stress out about the turkey.

Nathanael Bloss:

Oh.

Scott Light:

I really do. You know, I like to brine it, but what if it's dry? I mean, I really do stress out.

Nathanael Bloss:

Turkeys are tough.

Scott Light:

They are hard,

Nathanael Bloss:

Hard to get the get, get right.

Scott Light:

To get it exactly right. All right. With that, we are out of the gate here for our latest podcast, addition to boundless abilities, a podcast brought to you by boundless. Boundless is the largest nonprofit in Ohio that provides services to individuals with intellectual and developmental disabilities and behavioral health challenges through residential support, autism services, primary health care, of day programs, counseling and a whole lot more to children and adults. Our mission is to build a world that realizes the boundless potential of all people. I'm your host, Scott light, so you heard their voices now let me properly introduce our two great guests. Nathanael Bloss is a licensed professional counselor and mental health program coordinator here at Boundless, and Darcel Theiss is leader of GriefShare groups at a local church here in Central Ohio. Welcome to you both.

Darcel Theiss:

Thank you.

Nathanael Bloss:

Thanks for having us.

Scott Light:

So our listeners have probably picked up on our theme this month, it is dealing with stress, dealing with heavy emotions, and maybe even dealing with grief during the holidays. So first of all, to all of our listeners out there, if you're feeling stressed during the holidays, cut yourself some serious slack, because we all do. There are varying degrees of it, which we're going to talk about, and we're also going to give you plenty of resources and strategies to handle it. So Nate, let me begin with you, and again, we're going to talk about a lot of this. Why are the holidays so stressful for really, all of us?

Nathanael Bloss:

That's a great question, and I think it's a loaded question, but one of the main themes that we see is expectations and expectations of the holidays to be the happiest time of the year for everybody, and frankly, it's not the case for for a lot of individuals. And the expectations that are set, whether it be through the advertisement, through the marketing companies, you can see everybody with smiles on their face, but we all know underneath the surface that there's some real stressors that come with the holidays, whether it be financial, family stressors, even travel stressors, can be stuff.

Scott Light:

Darcel now let me come to you with that same very broad question, and I think Nate teed it up correctly as well. It's a loaded question too. Why are people so stressed out? And then also, let me layer into that, would you share more about your personal experience and and tell us more about grief? Share too.

Darcel Theiss:

I think, as Nate said, that we add a lot of stress in our lives by expectations that we have of ourselves and others. And in my particular case, I lost my husband in February of 2020 which we all know was the beginning of COVID. So it was a very difficult time to not have others in my life to give me any support or help, and also closure. Closure for those I was very fortunate. I was able to have a funeral service and a visitation where so many others were just left without any closure at all. So I had reached out to my church at that time to see if there was any any help I could get in dealing with my grief, and they were just beginning to offer Grief Share. It's a national organization. The website is griefshare.org, and one of the ministers at the church I attend, brought that to our church. So I attended in the fall of 2020. Five other females in the room had the exact same loss as me. So we all had the loss of a spouse. It was a very healing and growing time. And my life it was. It is set up structured as a one day a week, two hours at each session, 13 week process, and by the time we completed those 13 weeks, there was a lot of understanding and growth through the experience of our loss.

Scott Light:

I've never had the loss of a spouse. I've certainly lost very close family members. As a lay person, to me, there's never closure. I don't know if that's right or wrong, but I would love for both of you to comment on that word. That's a hard word for me.

Darcel Theiss:

I also am a lay person, and I don't want you to think I'm a counselor in any way. I was just a person that needed to help and went there for help, and then I've become a facilitator to other sessions. Just to try to give others the hope that I have from attending the session, closure, it, you're right. It is not a full circle closure in my case, and I believe in the case of someone that you have loved, and especially a spouse, my husband and I were married almost 45 years, it's a loss of half of yourself. So all you are able to do is move forward the best you can. A lot of people say it's considered a new normal. I do not feel my my life is at all normal. It's a new different. And you learn how to live in the different. You learn how to smile more at the loss and not cry as much, and be able to have joy and hope.

Nathanael Bloss:

Just to pick up on Darcel's point, the idea of a new normal is such a high expectation, going back to that word, where the we have what we view as normal before a loss, and to come back to what we view as that quote, unquote, normal puts such a high bar on us, so a new, different or so I really like that, and I would like to start incorporating that, because I talk about just a different circle. If we have a circle of normal that we would consider, on a day to day basis, creating a new circle for us. And closure is such a taboo word, a loaded word, it looks different for everybody. What does closure look for you? And it's okay to not achieve that.

Scott Light:

Darcel, this time of the year, I've read that that one way to look at that new different. I love that term now, and I'm going to use it is to create new memories and new traditions during the holidays. Have you done that since the loss of your husband?

Darcel Theiss:

Yes I think it's very important to do that. I mean, it's very important to respect and have your traditions, but I think it's also important to keep those traditions, but maybe do them in a different way. When I am now decorating for the holidays. I have a sister in my life who comes and helps me do that. I have grandchildren, so I want them to experience Christmas and be excited. So I don't want to give up traditions that I have, but I still want to be able to enjoy them, and it's very difficult, especially in the beginning of a loss, to have enjoyment, to have happiness when you have an extreme loss. So creating new traditions is or just varying a tradition. Maybe in my case, my kids would always come to my house in the morning with their grandkids. Now I go to their house in the morning. They still come to my house later in the day, so we still get to have our family time and our friendship and our love, but it's different, but in a good way.

Scott Light:

Let's talk about this time of the year and Nate going back to your point, the commercials that we see, the Hallmark classic movies that are out there, and just sometimes even the movies that are running on a loop on cable, you know, again, the images that we're seeing, people are smiling. They're you know, the bountiful tables out there, the beautifully illuminated Christmas tree with all the perfect decorations on them. But the reality is, this is a very stressful time of the year, and sometimes people think that the and feel that they just don't have the support out there. Nate, where can they find it?

Nathanael Bloss:

First and foremost, to reach out to if you have someone that you trust, lean on them a little bit harder in this time, knowing that maybe that person is feeling in a very similar way to you during this holiday season as well. And I think that's that can be a very important thing and build significant camaraderie and a strong base to a relationship in terms of being vulnerable with someone and saying, Hey, I'm I'm struggling in this time, and this is not an easy time for me, and it's supposed to be a fun time, quote, unquote, right? And can we maybe help each other out? If that's not available to you, there's always professional counselors that are willing and able to see folks during this time, and knowing that it's a harder time for individuals to get through, and providing some of those coping skills, along with just some an ear to lend, for lack of a better term, so that you have someone that you can talk to.

Scott Light:

Okay. Darcel for you. You mentioned your sister. Who else did you seek during during that loss, especially immediately?

Darcel Theiss:

That was very difficult. It was COVID. So my village was very small, and I understood that I didn't want to, you know, if I went out of into the public, then I was exposing my loved ones and families to whatever I might have come in contact with. So my village was very, very small. I basically had one of my sons and his family and three children, but to be with the other son and his family that was exposing too much, so very limited in the support. I think it's important to try to have self take care of yourself.

Scott Light:

Self Care.

Darcel Theiss:

Self care. Thank you. Yes, whether it be go for a walk, exercise that's very important for healing, and no matter honestly and no matter where what you're going through.

Scott Light:

What did you discover, maybe, on that self care front, let me follow up with that. Did you find a new way to take care of yourself?

Darcel Theiss:

Yes, I live in a community where there is a fitness center within maybe 50 steps of my home, and I had lots of time on my hand, and I am not a person that enjoys that at all. I'd much rather watch Hallmark movie or read a book, but I walked over there as often as I could and just did something for myself, something that was good for me, and it helped, even though it would have been much easier to sit on that couch.

Scott Light:

I've brought up this quote several to many times in this podcast over the years and but I think it's just so so relatable. And I was at a forum years ago, and I heard the director of OSU nursing program say, self care is not selfish, and we all have to harness that and take care of ourselves. Nate, would you kindly pick up on that theme?

Nathanael Bloss:

Absolutely, and I'd like to add that self care is hard. It is not selfish and it is a hard task to learn. And by, you know, all of the factors in our lives to help others and to want to do things for others, whether it be going to work being being there for our family, being there for our friends, it's hard to say I'm going to take time for myself. And that is where the idea of being very intentional. Darcel, I heard what you said about saying, I'm going to make myself go walk to that fitness center and really having a goal in mind of saying, How am I going to take care of myself, whether it be this moment, this second, this week, this month. However long we need or however short we need, challenging ourselves to meet that goal.

Scott Light:

The other thing we have to remember, I found a quote from some researchers at Harvard. This is medical folks. This is medical. This is bio science. There are things that happen in all of our brains when we stress out. And I found this quote because the holiday season often requires us to keep track of and pay attention to a greater number of responsibilities than usual. The brain's prefrontal cortex goes into overdrive, and then, over time, a high level of demand can decrease memory. It can halt production of new brain cells, and it can cause existing brain cells to die. So when we say and again, I don't mean it in a glib way to cut we all need to cut ourselves some slack here, but again, these are medical conditions that we're talking about here, right?

Nathanael Bloss:

Absolutely. And I don't want to claim that I am a doctor, but the research that I have been able to conduct does show that our brain protects itself in a multitude of ways, and sometimes it may do things that are against what we want in the immediate term to help ourselves in the long term. So those daily functions of forgetting daily tasks that we're doing because our brain is overloaded with stress, it's our brain protecting ourselves, telling us, hey, we need to take a step back and we need to address this, or I'm going to go ahead and go do something to help make sure that we're going to protect ourselves.

Darcel Theiss:

Very. I have been a part of it as a participant since the fall of 20 and I do want to mention that, yes, that was COVID, and we were the ladies, and I, the six of us, were very, very blessed that the church we were attending allowed us to still be in person. In Grief Share they, there is, there are online opportunities and in person opportunities. And during that time, it was in person. So that was a huge, huge help. I think in person was fantastic. Even to this day, I don't know how many sessions I've helped facilitate. My Church offers to a year. So I still hear different things based on where I am in my journey, my my daily journey. It gives you others that understand where you are in in the in the loss journey, it gives you a safe space to be able to share where they might not have your same loss, but they understand the loss that you're going through, and it gives you the opportunity to have hope and to realize that. But we all grieve differently, and the way you grieve is totally fine. I tended to compare my grief to someone who outwardly was showing their emotions more than I did, and I sort of felt, well, gosh, maybe I didn't love as much as I should have, because I'm not showing that love. And for me, Grief Share gave me the realization that it's individual, it's totally what you need to happen. There is no timeline in grief, and it just takes its time and it's okay. You can you can be okay with how grief is happening within you.

Scott Light:

It's kind of like funerals, in that. I've been to funerals where everyone is, just to put it bluntly, bawling their eyes out. And I've been to funerals where everyone is laughing and telling great funny stories. And both are cathartic.

Darcel Theiss:

Yes.

Scott Light:

And both are okay.

Darcel Theiss:

Yes, yes. And you hear other people share, and in that space something that you you like, oh, a light bulb like, oh, I felt that way, so that that's okay if I felt that way, or they'll share an experience that gives you hope that, oh, then I can be there too, when, when it happens for me?

Scott Light:

Yeah.

Nathanael Bloss:

I think the idea of everybody grieving in their own way, is one of the biggest pieces that counselors work on with their clients in therapy, is normalizing the stages of our what we call the stages of grief, and that it's not a linear process. That we could go from anger to laughter back to anger to sadness. We can skip a few steps, and that's okay, and the power of connection in those times is so significant. Darcel, I heard you talking about just you leaning on those five women in your church and how powerful that was for you. And there's a real psychological benefit to finding a strong connection to someone who has gone through a similar life event to you.

Scott Light:

Let me pick up on that with both of you, about recognizing and owning our feelings, to recognize and accept them without judgment.

Nathanael Bloss:

I think a very common term that we hear is we are own, our own harshest critic. One thing that plays into a lot of us in those moments is I shouldn't be acting this way. I should be insert feeling here, stronger, happier. I should be sadder. I should be I should be more angry about what happened. Going back to what our brain does for us, whether it be in times of stress, whether it be in times of grief, our brain protects us, and sometimes our brain will make sure that we are feeling the appropriate thing at that time, and we will handle the the emotion that we feel we should be feeling when it's appropriate.

Darcel Theiss:

I would add very nicely, said, Nate, give yourself grace. There is, there is no rule. There are no rules. There is no time frame. Today you got out of bed and you did pretty well, and tomorrow you might not, and it's okay if tomorrow you might not just take it one day at a time. For me, I'm a Christian. Prayer was also very instrumental. Ask for help. Ask God for help. Ask those that you trust and love for help. When you need it. It's okay to accept the feelings of where you are and just manage moment to moment if necessary.

Scott Light:

Let's talk about a couple of tactical, everyday things. Darcel, you mentioned exercise. Do you like it anymore?

Darcel Theiss:

No.

Scott Light:

Do you find, but it's still an outlet?

Darcel Theiss:

It is an outlet.

Scott Light:

And it's a good one.

Darcel Theiss:

It is.

Scott Light:

It is.

Darcel Theiss:

I love walking out the door knowing I did it.

Scott Light:

Yes. And your, you know, your lungs feel good, your breathing, yeah, it does. It does feel good. Let's talk about a couple of other things. I mean, even whether it's exercise or some deep breathing or relaxation techniques, these help that, you know, the sympathetic the parasympathetic symptoms in our bodies, right? Nate.

Nathanael Bloss:

Now you're talking my language,

Scott Light:

Okay, okay, take off. Take off.

Nathanael Bloss:

It absolutely does. And there's research suggests that working out increases the dopamine in our brain, lets releases some endorphins and helps us improve our mood. There's also just a lot of research out there that suggests taking time for ourselves and doing what we need to do in that moment. If it is I need to just veg out today and watch a few movies and not do anything okay, and knowing that that's where we are in that moment, but pushing ourselves to a limit can have negative impacts in certain cases. And so it really is a subjective piece, but attacking that parasympathetic and that sympathetic nervous system and saying, Hey, we're we need to get this going. That's that's really the key in. Processing stressors and processing grief and the holidays, really let that time loose.

Scott Light:

There's now data to back up, getting outside. The scientists will call it green space, getting around trees, getting around foliage. It's bushes, things like that. We all know if we're near water, whether it's a beach or a lake, whatever it may be. And now researchers are saying, now we need more green space and blue space water. But it all adds up, right of just whatever we can do, whether it's getting outside, getting to a gym, but Darcel, maybe to your point earlier, finding your own path that works.

Darcel Theiss:

Yes, and I agree, green space works, water works, but also in grief, you have things associated with those events.

Nathanael Bloss:

Good point.

Darcel Theiss:

Maybe a trip to the beach.

Scott Light:

Good point. Good point.

Darcel Theiss:

Maybe walks you would take. So you it's a very difficult journey, and it's trying to find the new and the old, trying to find the path that doesn't hurt as much, but still has memories and love in it.

Scott Light:

That's all I think, I think to that point not to put a clinical term on your experience, and I don't mean to, but the idea of knowing our triggers, knowing what will, the counseling field, flip our lid, and I know our listeners can't see me do my hand brain there, of flipping the actual lid and having an emotional response to something that can seem so minute to the naked eye. And it could be where, if you used to go on walks with somebody, if you used to experience a certain park with a person, knowing going back to that place can really have a negative impact on you. It can negate the positives of being in that green space.

Darcel Theiss:

For me, it has become easier to recognize the triggers, Thanksgiving, Christmas, a birthday, an anniversary. It's the ones that hit me unexpectedly that are more difficult. Seeing a couple walk down the street hand in hand, and knowing that I don't have that any longer. You almost want to go up and say, treasure this moment.

Scott Light:

Right, right.

Darcel Theiss:

So, or at church, I saw someone in a sweater from a distance that my husband had. So it's those little things that are unexpected, that are difficult triggers.

Nathanael Bloss:

With the idea of our brain protecting us. I know I'm harping on this extensively, but the brain will repress those memories, and to the point where, when we have a different sense that sees it or hears it or smells it or touches it, it can trigger that memory. And so the one of the things that we work on in session with a client who's experiencing grief. And this can go for individuals who have experienced loss, individuals who have experienced a breakup, a significant breakup, individuals who have experienced job loss, whatever it may be. Grief can look different in different aspects, but knowing that particular senses can trigger that memory, we work to find what those triggers are, and how can we work with those and how can we still live a productive daily life while acknowledging hey, maybe I know this is not what's best for me in this moment right now, not saying it won't ever be, but right now, I can't that's not for me.

Scott Light:

You know what I'm thinking about. Darcel, both of our sons are musicians, and they've, they've graduated college, so they're, they're out of the house, but one was a clarinet player and the other one was a drummer. So we, you know, in our house growing up, it was, you know, all the time, and then the other one was playing the clarinet and the oboe. And I'm thinking if something happened to one of them, and I already long for those sounds to be back in the house. I mean.

Darcel Theiss:

Right.

Scott Light:

I really miss it.

Darcel Theiss:

Yes.

Scott Light:

I really do, but if I knew it was permanently gone, that would be devastating. So I appreciate, I really appreciate the points you bring it up.

Darcel Theiss:

It is difficult.

Scott Light:

Yeah

Darcel Theiss:

But in my case with God, all things are possible.

Scott Light:

Let's talk about those, those stressors, those those triggers in this way, and again, it is about finding that space and grace. That Thanksgiving table doesn't have to be perfect.

Nathanael Bloss:

I think the idea to bring it full circle of cutting ourselves a break it can go along with adjusting those expectations and knowing what's in our control and what's outside of our control. So walking into the holidays, what are things that are in my power, that I can, that I can control in these situations, and what's outside? A lot of folks report that the family holidays are stressful because a cousin or an uncle or a parent. Are going to treat them in ways that they don't feel they want to be treated. How, but what can we control in that moment? What are we willing to put ourselves there to to talk about and when do we remove ourselves? If we want to remove ourselves from the situation and adjusting those expectations of things don't have to be a Hallmark card.

Scott Light:

Nate, let me ask you to come back to the point of of seeking professional help. Is there a delineation point professionally, when, when grief or depression gets to a certain point that that's when a professional needs to come into the picture?

Nathanael Bloss:

I can't say that there's an absolute delineation. It's a subjective case and scenario for each individual. I will say I would always suggest, well, as a counselor, I'll suggest that everybody has a counselor. I have one myself, and I feel that it's very important that everyone has one. But if you are struggling with that decision on whether or not to seek professional help, I would always caution that you go before you feel overwhelmed. And of course, if we're having any thoughts or feelings of harming ourselves or harming others, that is always our drop dead point of we need to we need to assess and have some professional guidance in this moment, but I would always suggest that we before it, before we get to that point, or before we get close to that point. If you're feeling like you need to talk to somebody, there's plenty of professional help in every city of the country and abroad that are more than willing to come talk to you. And if there you can't find one in person, their phone calls, their telehealth, anything that makes you feel comfortable and in a safe place to be able to talk about the things that you're processing.

Scott Light:

Another asset that is out there Darcel is an event that is coming up that is open to the public, that your church is hosting.

Darcel Theiss:

Right. Grief Share does have an event called Surviving the Holidays. The church I attend, Reynoldsburg Community Church, is offering that on November the 23rd. It's a Saturday. From 10am to 12pm you come use as a group. Usually we go around the room. If you are comfortable, stating your name and what brought you to this session. You see a video, have a small discussion. After that, there is a book that you will take home called Surviving the Holidays, and it is a tool to just help you understand experiences, feelings and ways of maybe getting through those experiences in a better way. This is not just offered at my local church. The GriefShares are offered at a lot of central Ohio churches in the area, and they're the Surviving the Holidays is offered different days of the week, different times. What you would do is go on to the website, put in your zip code, and it puts in the churches in the area that offer GriefShare and surviving the holidays.

Scott Light:

Very, very good. I want to come back to the very first question I ask you that you said the holiday tradition that you love but also stresses you out, involves cooking. So how might you approach this one a little bit differently this year that may bring your heart rate down a little bit?

Nathanael Bloss:

I think this year I'm passing the cooking off to somebody else.

Scott Light:

Okay.

Nathanael Bloss:

I'm very thankful for this year, but I think just moving forward knowing what I enjoy during the holiday season and this this year, I've been lucky enough to have a son in the past year, so enjoying the first Thanksgiving with him and my wife and my dog at home, just having that time where it's going to be special for me no matter how it looks.

Scott Light:

Congratulations.

Nathanael Bloss:

Thank you.

Scott Light:

That's fantastic. Darcel, you mentioned the decorating same question. How might you approach it a little bit differently this year to hopefully bring your heart rate down a little bit, bring that stress level down a itte bit?

Darcel Theiss:

As I mentioned, my sister is very wonderful, and she offers to come and assist, which is, we make a fun day of it, and she usually sleeps over and we play games.

Scott Light:

Great.

Darcel Theiss:

But I also have grandchildren that are getting a little older, so already I asked them, when they were over, can you help me put all these totes upstairs where I need them to be so and I I still want the joy, as we said earlier, so they've helped me, and with all of that assistance, it'll be better.

Scott Light:

Well, we're all going to be better over the holidays, thanks to the perspective from both of you. So thank you.

Nathanael Bloss:

Thank you for having me.

Darcel Theiss:

Thank you.

Scott Light:

Thanks to our listeners as well. We couldn't do this podcast without all of you. Don't forget, you can be part of future episodes to come. You can always email your questions or comments at podcast. At iamboundless.org. This is Boundless Abilities brought to you by Boundless.